A Little DUSTOFF Humor

Send your DUSTOFF related joke to jokes@dustoff.org  and we'll try to get it included on this page.

Only a true DUSTOFF aviator could think of this - DUI, Alabama Style

From that part of the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ozark, Alabama late one Friday night. After “last call”, the officer noticed a man in an Army flight suit and a DUSTOF Association patch leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The pilot stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the pilot managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as several other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night -- flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and slow drove down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, threw on his flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the pilot had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", laughed the grinning CW3 DUSTOFF pilot. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

The ‘Best DUSTOFF Crew Chief of All Time’ died and went to heaven.

St. Peter greeted him there and said “Welcome to heaven! Your terminal assignment orders indicate you were the best crew chief in human history and did wonderful things for your fellow crewmembers, your unit, and your country your entire life. For that reason I am authorized to let you choose in which part of heaven you would like to spend eternity.”

“Well”, the crew chief said, “I’d love to bunk somewhere where I will never see another helicopter pilot – they are loud, contemptible, and generally a pain in the ass and I don’t want to see, hear, or have to deal with one ever again!”

“No problem, Chief!” St. Peter replied. “We don’t get too many helicopter pilots up here, but just to be sure, I have the perfect place for you – a deserted tropical island where you will never be bothered by them”.

The crew chief floated off to his island paradise, a happy lad. But about 1 week later he was back at the pearly gates, demanding to see St. Peter.

“What’s wrong?” St. Peter asked.

“Well,” said the DUSTOFF crewmember, “You said I would never have to deal with a helicopter pilot again. But, as I was walking along the beach this morning, I looked up and there, swaggering towards me, was this obnoxious looking fellow wearing a flight suit, sporting a sidearm and a 16-function wrist watch, with a girl on each arm, and telling war stories that all started with “There I was….”

St. Peter appeared puzzled and said “Let me check something” then queried his computer to determine the recent whereabouts of both helicopter pilots. He wasn’t coming up with any answers when finally it dawned on him….

“Oh, that wasn’t a helicopter pilot you saw this morning… that was God! – Sometimes he likes to dress up and pretend he's a DUSTOFF pilot.”

One morning, a DUSTOFFer was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee. Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her military career. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom of the cup. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

While at a bar, a heavy lift pilot, a Widow Maker pilot, and a DUSTOFF pilot each found a fly swimming around in their beer. The heavy lift pilot asked the bartender for a napkin and a teaspoon. Elegantly scooping the fly out, he placed it in the napkin and delicately folded it.

The Widow Make pilot pushed his sleeve up, immersed his hand in the beer, caught the fly, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it.

The DUSTOFF pilot silently took her jacked off, draped it neatly over the chair, folded her shirtsleeves up, and bent of her beer. Carefully she fished the fly out by picking it up by its wings. She lifted it just above the mug, shook the fly, and in a threatening voice bellowed, "how spit it out!"

At a party the Aviation Commander's wife served a DUSTOFF pilot a cup of punch and told him it was spiked. Next, she served some to the chaplain. "I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips!" he shouted.

Hearing this, the DUSTOFF pilot poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice!"

Bill an old DUSTOFF pilot, and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter." Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know... Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

The DUSTOFF Warrant Officer takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great chest you have!' He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!' The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.  Ragged, fat old geezer, walked like he had no feeling left in his peripheral neuropathy diabetic legs.  His arthritic hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender.
I'd like to apply for the job, ' Ken said.
The bartender wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off.
'What do you do?' he asked.
I used to be a DUSTOFF helicopter pilot in the U.S. Army was the answer.  Now real unsure, the bartender decided to give him a try...he really needed more business.  'The piano is over there...give it a go.'
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered.
By the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced.  What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before.  When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old DUSTOFFer a beer and said that he sounded really really good.  'What do you call that?' he asked.  'It's call "Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight,' said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer.
'I got another, and he began to play again.  What followed was a knee slappin', hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.  People were coming in from the street to hear this guy play.  After he finished, the DUSTOFF pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Rotors Dance.'
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.  After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked or what his songs were called.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the old fighter pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, 'The job is yours, but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is open and your willy is hanging out?'
'Know it?' the pilot replied, 'Hell, I wrote it!'

A DUSTOFF pilot walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The DUSTOFF pilot says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services are pending.

A DUSTOFF flight crew goes into a bar. A woman walks over to one of the crew and asks, "Are you a pilot ?" "No, I'm a crewchief !" the man says. "What's a crewchief?" the woman asks. The DUSTOFF crewchief says "A pilot is in it for 1.5 hours and a crewchief's in it all night long!"

Q: If you were invited to a party where you didn't really know anyone, how would you know who the DUSTOFF Flight Medic was??

A: Don't worry, he'll tell you!

A DUSTOFF crew lands and shuts down in a training area. A crusty veteran infantry Sergeant walks over to them, looks at the Flight Medic and asks, "So tell me soldier, what do you do in this man's Army?"
The Flight Medic looks at him and says, "Well, I play God"
The Sergeant, a little confused says, "What do you mean you play God?"
The Flight Medic responds, "Well on the battlefield I decides who lives or dies so basically I play God."
The sergeant still confused, looks at the pilots and says, "Well if this guy plays God, what do you guys do?"
The pilots glance at each other briefly and respond, "We give God a ride"

Four retired guys are walking down the street in Topeka, Kansas. They turn a corner and see a sign that says “Old Timer’s Bar All Drinks 10 Cents.”

They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says, in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you. What’ll it he, gentlemen?”

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis and says, “That will be 10 cents each, please.”

They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents more, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men can’t stand it any longer and asks the bartender, “How can you afford to serve martinis this good for a dime apiece?”

“Here’s my story. I’m a retired airline pilot from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to open a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”

“Wow, that’s quite a story,” says one of the men. The four of them sipped their martinis but couldn’t help noticing four other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the four at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartenders, “What’s with them?” The bartender says, “They’re retired DUSTOFF crewmembers. "They’re waiting for happy hour.”

A DUSTOFF medic was surprised by her 7-year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green Army men in the cup.

She said, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"
Her son said, "Mom, it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"

After dying in a helicopter crash, three air ambulance crewmembers find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great medic and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent pilot who made a difference."

The copilot says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

A DUSTOFF pilot was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the pilot was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" The pilot finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.

"Oh my gosh! Where's my aviator watch???!!!"

Driving home one day, an old Warrant Officer DUSTOFF pilot was going about 20 over the speed limit. Before long a police car was flashing red lights behind him. He'd had a few drinks, so he figured he would just outrun him by flooring the gas pedal. He hit 70, then 80, 90, 100 miles an hour. When the speedometer passed 110 and he still hadn't shaken him off, the old Warrant Officer decided to give up and pull over. The police officer got out of the cruiser and approached the pilot's car. Leaning down, he said, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day and I just want to get home. Give me a good enough excuse and I'll let you go."

Thinking quickly, the crusty Warrant said, "Officer, two weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser following me, I thought you were that cop and that you were trying to catch up with me to give her back!"

There were 11 soldiers hanging onto a rescue hoist cable that came down from a DUSTOFF helicopter. Ten were infantry men and one a flight medic. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the cable would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the flight medic gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because flight medics were used to sacrificing and giving up things for other soldiers, civilians, and others, giving in to pilots, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the infantry men clapped. ~~~~~~~~~~ Never underestimate the power of a flight medic!!

As Joe, an ambulatory patient, was being secured in the back of a DUSTOFF, the medic said, "Now sit back and enjoy your helicopter flight while your Pilot in Command, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe said, "Did I hear you right? Is the Pilot in Command a woman?"  "Yes," said the medic, "If fact, the whole crew is female."

"My Lord," said Joe, "I better start praying. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the medic, "We no longer call it a cockpit."

The first of three DUSTOFF crewmembers going to the guillotine was the pilot, who was led to the platform and blindfolded and put his head on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard and nothing happened. So, out of mercy, the authorities allowed him to go free.

The next crewmember to the guillotine was the flight medic, and she lay her head on the block, and they pulled the lanyard -- nothing. The blade didn't come down. So, to be fair, they let her go too.

The third crewmember was the crewchief. They led him to the guillotine, he laid his head on the block and then he said, "Hey, wait. I think I see your problem."

Little Billy and his DUSTOFF dad were down at the airport watching air ambulances taking-off and landing.

Little Billy looks up to his Dad and says, "Dad, when I grow up I want to be
a DUSTOFF Pilot."

His Dad looks down at him and says, "You can't do both son."

A stupid-looking, ground-pounding, non-flight, Army doctor died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter met him at the pearly gates.

He told St. Peter right away, "If there are any medic types, especially flight medics, in Heaven, I don't want to go in because I hate flight medics."

St. Peter said, "Don't worry about it because no flight medic ever made it to Heaven."

So the doctor went on into Heaven and began looking at all the wonderful sights, when all of a sudden he spotted something that he just couldn't believe. There before his fat, pudgy eyes was a 5'11," 190 lb. muscle-bound specimen of manhood wearing a flight suit and a Rolex. Not only that, this guy had a Manchu mustache, Ray-Ban sunglasses, a big fat cigar in his mouth, a bottle of tequila in one hand, a six pack in the other, bright colored
MEDEVAC patches on his chest and numerous certification cards in his pockets.

The doctor called St. Peter over and said, "I thought you said there weren't any of those flight medic guys in Heaven ... there's one right over there."

St. Peter looked at where the doctor was pointing and said, "Oh that, that's just God, he's not really a flight medic, he just likes to pretend he is."

Rich Pecoraro submitted these aviation definitions for your enjoyment.

Airfoil: Reynolds Wrap for manufacturing aircraft wings.
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arresting Gear: A Policeman's equipment.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Barrel Roll: Sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty.
Carburetor Icing: A phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Crab: The squadron Ops. Officer.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.
IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture: Non-alcoholic beer.
Motor: Word used by student pilots and Yankees when referring to the engine.
Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Roll: The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
Steep Bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
Tactics: What a clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Tail Wind: Results from eating beans, often causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Useful Load: Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, as regarding weight of cargo.
Up: A chant used by pilots taking off from Colorado Springs, who want to discover the meaning of life.
VOR: Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it.
Yankee: Any pilot that asks Houston tower to "Say again".
Zero: Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.

In northern Minnesota there was an old logger who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot, which you could rent.

Some crewchiefs went there and rented Co-pilot for only $50 a day and filled their limit. The crewchiefs came back to post and told their medics about this old logger and his fantastic hunting dog, called Co-Pilot, so the medics went to northern Minnesota and rented Co-pilot. But this time the cost went up to $75. The medics still rented Co-Pilot and got their limit.

Next a group of DUSTOFF CW2s headed up north to find the old logger and rent his dog. The old logger told the DUSTOFF crewmembers they could rent his dog for $5.00 a day and he'd still be overcharging them $4.00. The DUSTOFF pilots asked what happened?

The old logger told them a 1st Cav. gunship crew had come up and rented his dog, and while out hunting one of the idiots called the dog "PILOT" and all the dog does now is sit on his ass and bark.

It was a stifling hot day in San Antonio and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his tie, a guy newly graduated from flight medic school, pushed her aside and said, "It's all right, honey, I'm am air ambulance flight medic." The woman stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped the flight medic on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

A DUSTOFF pilot and his crew were assigned to measure the unit's flag pole by the commanding officer. Every time they had the end of the tape measure near the top of the pole, it would curl back and fall away.

The tower operator, seeing this from his unique vantage point, left the tower and approached the crew to provide assistance. He walked up, and being a big brute, grabbed the pole and pulled it right out of the ground. He pulled out his own tape measure and did the deed. "Fifteen feet long", he said with a grin.

"Isn't that just like the tower?", the pilot retorted. "We want the height, and they give us the length."

A flight medic who lived in a block of apartments in Daleville thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the medic agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the medic a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The medic hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

OK, there's this medical aviation flight school student in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this big trouble-maker Aviation Branch pilot steps up next to him and swallows the drink he was staring at. The poor medical pilot starts crying.

The Aviation Branch pilot says, "Come on, man. I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a pilot crying."

"No, it's not that," the medical aviator says. "This is just the worst day in my life. First, I oversleep and get in late to the flight line. The Commander, outrageous, sets me back a class. When I leave the flight line to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. I get a cab to take me home, and when it drops me off, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. When I walk in the door of my house, I find my wife with an Artillery officer. I leave the house and come to this bar. And then when I was thinking about ending my life, you show up and drink my poison.

A DUSTOFF pilot was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair, a pierced nose ring, and colored eye makeup.

After a few moments, the young man turned to the pilot and said, "What's the matter, man, ain't you ever done anything wild?"

The DUSTOFFer smiled and said "Well, yes, I have. I once got drunk at a dining in and had sex with a parrot. . . and, I couldn't help wondering if you might be my son."

A little girl and her DUSTOFF pilot mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" The mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her pilot mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and daddy (an Aviation Branch attack pilot) get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school and tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her pilot mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are and how much you weigh. You're 32 years old and weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?" mom asks.

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.

"You got an 'F' in sex."

A DUSTOFF crewmember was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his flight suit pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how well you fly helicopters and how you are my hero.? The crewmember took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his flight suit.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.? Again the crewmember took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his flight suit.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The DUSTOFF crewmember said, "Look, I'm an air ambulance crewmember and I'm always on first-up or second-up. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

How do you know if there is a DUSTOFF medic at your party?

He'll tell you.

What is the difference between a DUSTOFF co-pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining when it pulls in to the parking lot.

A DUSTOFF pilot had flown many missions during the Gulf War, and noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.  She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives.  She approached one of the women for an explanation.  "This is marvelous," said the DUSTOFF pilot. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines!"

One sunny day, an Aviation Branch pilot was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road.  As the truck sped away a crate fell off.  Excitedly the pilot ran over to see what was in the crate.

The pilot open the crate and was stunned to see a pig.  The pilot didn't know what to do so he asked a DUSTOFF pilot for some advise. The DUSTOFF pilot suggested the man take the pig to the local zoo.

A few days later while the DUSTOFF pilot was walking across the parking lot, he noticed this same pilot driving by in a car.  The DUSTOFFer motioned to the pilot so he could find out if everything when well with his advice.

The DUSTOFFer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the Aviation Branch pilot... the pig!  The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap.  In between them sat a six pack of beer and some popcorn.  "Good afternoon!" the pilot said.  The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.

The stunned DUSTOFF pilot asked the man, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the zoo!"  The pilot replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun today we're going to the ball game!!"

A DUSTOFF pilot receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his Commander.  Unfortunately, when DUSTOFF 24 arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Mr. DUSTOFF notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line.  He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.  As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says our DUSTOFFer, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat?  A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

How do you know when your date with a DUSTOFF pilot is half over?
When he says, "Enough about flying air ambulances, now lets talk about me."

An outdoors man type DUSTOFF pilot was being badgered by an attack helicopter pilot friend for never taking him hunting. The attack pilot was so proud of his mini-gun and rocket skills at killing anything that moved. So finally the DUSTOFF pilot gave in and took the attack pilot hunting in the Texas hill country.

Shortly after getting set up in his blind, the DUSTOFF pilot heard a shot and a commotion coming from the vicinity of the attack pilot. Running over to the attack pilot's position, the DUSTOFF pilot found the attack pilot waving his rifle and yelling at a man that the dead animal was his deer. The stranger said, "OK, mister...it's your deer. Just let me take my saddle of it."

A preacher dies and goes to heaven, where he's greeted at the gate by St. Peter. "Who are you?" St. Peter asks.
"I'm Joe Brown. I'm a preacher. I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years!"
"Hmmm..." Peter says. "Let me go check and see if you can come inside." Peter wanders off into Heaven.
While he's gone, someone else comes to the gate and knocks. Peter promptly returns to the gate and asks the new arrival: "Who are you?"
"I'm 1LT Smith," the guy replies. "Stan Smith? 1LT Stan Smith, the new DUSTOFF pilot???" Peter exclaims. "Why, that's right," the DUSTOFF pilot replies.
Peter throws open the gate and ushers the new arrival inside with an enthusiastic "Come in! Come in!"
"What about me?" asks Preacher Brown.
"Give it a few more minutes - we're still checking," Peter replies, and shuts the gate again.
After what seems like hours, Peter comes back to the gate and opens it. "We've checked, and it's been decided you can come in," he tells the preacher. The preacher walks in, and while Peter is escorting him to his eternal reward, he asks, "You know, I don't want to seem jealous or resentful, but I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years, and it took you forever to decide if I could come in. But you practically pulled that DUSTOFF pilot out of his shoes getting him inside Heaven's gate. What gives?"
"Well," Peter replies, "for 50 years while you preached, people slept in the pews. But every time someone got aboard a helicopter with Stan, they were praying their hearts out!"

Sex researcher, interviewing DUSTOFF unit commander: How long has it been since you had sex?
DUSTOFF commander: Oh, gosh, I forget. It was a long time ago. Must have been about 1957.
Researcher: Yes indeed, that was a long time ago.
DUSTOFF commander: Yeah! My God, it's 2130 already!

Q. Do you know how to get a DUSTOFF pilot off your front porch? A. Pay him for the pizza.

There was this DUSTOFF pilot sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this Green Beret comes in and --WHACK!!--knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The Green Beret says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The DUSTOFF pilot thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the Green Beret knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the DUSTOFF pilot has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The DUSTOFF pilot is gone for an hour or so, when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the Green Beret and --Wham!!!"-- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The DUSTOFF pilot looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

How did the WO1 explain how his air ambulance crashed? He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan!

Three flight medics are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, and one is licking hers. Which flight medic is married? The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!

An Aviation Branch pilot is going to London on a plane. How can you steal his window seat? Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

A new flight medic was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. He proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." The crewchief said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The flight medic replied, "Oh, that's easy - W."

A new 1LT DUSTOFF pilot, who was sick of all the Lieutenant jokes, decided to put Major rank on instead. He went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. He stopped and called the herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the pilot. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, he sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382." "Wow," said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the Lieutenant went and picked one out and put it in his car. Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you." "What is it?" queried the Lieutenant. "If I can guess your real rant, can I have my dog back?"

Why did the new WO1 at a DUSTOFF unit stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said "concentrate".

A DUSTOFF crew walked into a bar. The bartender asked the Pilot-In-Command what she wanted. She replied, "I'll have a BL." He thought a moment and then asked her what a BL was. She replied, "Well, duh, a BL is a Bud Lite." He turned to the Copilot and Medic and asked what they wanted. They replied, "Make ours a ML." He thought, OK, if a BL is a Bud Lite, then ML should be Michelob or something, and said, "OK, what's a ML?" They replied, "Well, duh, it's a Miller Lite." He then turned to the Crewchief and asked what he wanted. He replied, "I'll have a 15." He said, "OK, BL is Bud Lite, and ML is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it?" The Crewchief said, "Well, duh, it's a 7 and 7."

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During any experiment, an experienced DUSTOFF Pilot-In-Command sat in the chair and the professor asked him to tell about himself. He began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped him on the floor. After the PIC left in a snit, a new DUSTOFF pilot fresh out of flight school sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting on the floor.

An air ambulance student pilot going through flight school called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had a town in sight. Since he wasn't on radar, the controller told him to descend and look for the town's water tower, see what it said on the side, climb back up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called back and said, "Approach, I found the water tower." The controller, looking rather pleased, asked, "And what did it say on the side?" The student pilot replied, "It said Seniors, 1997."

A DUSTOFF pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many DUSTOFF helicopters asking for fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there."

DUSTOFF: "San Antonio tower, DUSTOFF 22, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger DUSTOFF 22, enter autorotation! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!"
DUSTOFF: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

A DUSTOFF helicopter is circling for a landing at Charles Kelly Heliport. It's totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all the instruments and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall building. He lowers the window and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?" The person responds, "In a helicopter!" The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at Charles Kelly Heliport. As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use." "Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the new Brook Army Hospital."

A crewchief suspected his wife was having an affair with a DUSTOFF pilot, but she kept denying it until finally the husband knew for sure when his wife said: "Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair..."

An Aviation Branch aviator walked into a flight surgeon's office with a frog on his head. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."